Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
