i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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