where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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