And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
