he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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