kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
