i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
