Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
