I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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