I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
