I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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