I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
