You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
