she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
