Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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