Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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