No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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