I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
