our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
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