I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
