Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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