my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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