god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
