last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
