the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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