Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
