Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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