I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
