Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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