I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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