Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
