I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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