I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
