this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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