You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
