So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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