life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
