I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
