how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
