If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
