Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
