oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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