I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
