Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
