Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
