halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
