You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
