now i know why i became what i already was.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
