At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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