You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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