I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
